To all the men in my life, and your friends, and your friends' friends

^ Photo stolen from Slava Polonski of the Global Shapers Community at an event in Dalian. As a network, the Shapers are united by common values... maybe it's ok for me to share this article with them?

​Dear Men in my life, yes you, you and you,

As the first month of 2019 inches to its end (how did this happen? It was NYE just yesterday!), I'd like to make a very honest request to the men in my life and their dogs. 2018 was meant to be the year of women, the #MeToo year, the year we closed the wage gap, encouraged women to run for senior positions and addressed sexual assault and harrassment. But this was supposed to be 1968 too. And each year after that. Why aren't we there yet? Why do we still have world leaders who brag about sexual assault, why are sexual offenders getting away lightly, why are women still less than 10% of the top tier of Fortune 500 companies, and so on, and so forth?

I always thought feminism is my cross to bear alone, or the cross of women to bear collectively but ultimately it takes two hands to clap. Somehow, it never occured to me to speak to you - you, the men that I have let into my life as friends, family, lovers, colleagues - one on one, in the same way that I'd ask you to help me with, say, move out of my flat or whether you'd like to go for dinner. It never occured that I could just extend that trust and relationship we share to this topic which cuts me on a deep level: gender equality. Never thought I could look at you, be vulnerable with you and tell you, hey, I have a problem and I need you to have my back on this. I don't need you to just listen to me but do something about it even when I'm not around. I need you to stick your neck out for me.

Why now?

Look, we've reached 2019 and the World Economic Forum tells us we'll reach Gender Parity in... 202 years. It's too long to wait. I'm amazed; when countries are faced with falling numbers on competitiveness or business indices, they rush to put in place laws, resources and regulations to address the situation. But when it comes to the gender gap...

To be told that I have to wait 202 years before we reach equality is a slap in the face. It tells me that sure, gender equality is cute but it's not enough of a priority for governments and people to move their ass to do something about it. I'm no longer willing to treat gender equality as a mere box to tick. This needs work, now.

One of the reasons why I never approached you, dear Men, was, I simply thought you wouldn't take me seriously.

^ Looking for gender equality on the horizon. Can't see it.

Why did I think you wouldn't take me seriously? Let me debunk some myths first.

You may choose to reject the semantics and dissociate yourself from the word 'feminism', but the bottom line is, if we are to achieve gender equality, I need you to be involved. Maybe you're uncomfortable with this, maybe you don't want to be called a feminist. But let me tell you, feminism isn't a bunch of raging women who-hate-all-men. Far from it.

What feminism is about, at the end, is gender equality. Read again: E-QUA-LI-TY. It means you, dear men, enjoy the same rights as us. It doesn't mean replacing one tyrant with the other. I always wonder if men are scared of feminism because they're worried women will do to them what they have been doing to women over centuries.

Also, one of the most common reactions I get - even from men who are meant to be 'woke', when I try to broach the subject - is 'why do we need feminism? Don't laws protect women now?'

*takes deep breath*

• First, changing the law doesn't mean that the norms, attitudes, structures and social conditions surrounding sexism have changed too.

• Second, if we want to go purely on the law argument, 96% of countries have at least one law which discriminates against women's ability to participate in society and the economy.

A few other reasons why I didn't think you would take me seriously...

1. Whataboutism or Whataboutery: the second most common reaction is 'what about men?' If, say, I am talking about women being harrassed on the street, you'll react by saying 'hey but men get whistled at too!' and that will make it seem as if I'm exaggerating, or push me to be extra cautious to be inclusive of men's concerns, which was not why I was sharing this with you to begin with. And in so doing, it dilutes the focus and steers the conversation away from any real action.

What this does. really, is nullifying women's very real concerns. It would imply that fighting for women's rights will somehow be detrimental to men's rights, and thus reinforce the false narrative that empowered women mean disempowered men, rather than a healthy society where both thrive. It also dilutes the focus on very real issues that need our urgent attention - for once, men, please try to not make it all about you!

^ See this example of whataboutism.

2. Relativism: there's nothing that invalidates someone's experience more effectively than comparison. This applies to any situation - when you're handling someone's grief or issues ('but there are children in Africa who have it much worse than you'), when you dismiss them by saying 'it's not that bad' or when you create a false equivalency by comparing apples and oranges. In the case of gender equality, I felt that I couldn't approach men, even those I was close to, because of this. And indeed, when I dared voice the issues I was facing, a couple of times, I was met with a ' but is it really that bad - and sure some countries need to fight for gender equality but we've moved past that'. The truth is that there's a bloody long way to go, even in places like Mauritius.

3. Are you sure?: this is an especially damaging one. Are you sure? Are you sure you're not overreacting? No, pal, that creepy dude grabbed my breasts when I was trying to pay for laundry and I didn't imagine it (yes this happened to me in London) and I'd appreciate if you didn't laugh or make a joke about 'well that's what you get for being hot'. I felt helpless in that moment because I convinced myself it wasn't so bad/ I imagined it/ I needed to be a sport. Most often, microaggressions against women are so subtle they are almost invisible. Or they happen so regularly that they are seen as normal - and we're the ones who are put in the spotlight to reassess what we experienced.

4. Expectation of reward, or how much feminism is enough? Not sure how to frame it so let me be blunt: don't expect to be rewarded for being a feminist/ walking the talk on gender equality. Feminism isn't just a label or status symbol. It can be thankless and usually you are the one who sets your moral compass to equality. Men shouldn't be rewarded for doing what's right (even worse, don't use it as a way to get inside my pants). I always find it funny when, say a couple has kids and the father is acclaimed for being so 'modern and woke' and congratulated for 'helping out' when the bloody kid is also his own and he should be doing half the work in the house anyway. It's a profound belief in the equality and dignity of all human beings (that includes yourself). We shouldn't be scared of losing a male ally if the rewards, perks and recognition dries up.

My experience

^Praying for sanity to deal with morons

I moved to a country where toxic masculinity and patriarchal entitlement are so thick in the air you could cut it with a knife. Everything is relative and, while I don't condone the sexism I encountered in Mauritius, my daily reality in Ethiopia is this: whether I go to the shop or anywhere else, there isn't a single day when I'm not catcalled or approached on the streets. Young men who've watched one porn clip too many and feel entitled to hurl the same language at me "s*** my d***", "I'll r*** you', 'give me your number' being the kinder and less aggressive statements on the spectrum - if they aren't straight up touching me or demanding to speak with me. I've taken to wearing headphones with loud music so I can't hear them. I'd rather be mugged for my phone or run over by a car I can't hear than be violated with such words.

And it doesn't stop there. The diplomatic world is rife with men who, boosted by an exalted sense of hierarchy, feel entitled to my body. Who, under the guise of cultural differences, cast equally gross words at me as the ones I hear on the streets, or violate my boundaries by touching me, kissing me and trying to dig into my personal life: 'oh you're single? How sad! You need an experience'. Here I am, representing my country, but all they see is a woman who somehow needs to fall flat at their feet.

What goes on in my mind?

When such things happen...this is what goes on in my mind:

No, it didn't happen.

Maybe it was my fault.

Wait, how is it my fault? I didn't ask for it!

Forget it.

Don't overreact.

Who will listen?

What can they do anyway?

Call it the pernicious symphony of helplessness.

Society shifts the blame and focus on women, which is why I need you to do something about it.

Why do women need male allies? Because we're the ones taught to adjust our behaviour to make up for men's shitty one.

Let me put it this way: I have an annoying neighbour who always throws his dog poop in my yard. He thinks it's ok. Now, instead of telling him off for his shitty behaviour, I am told to pick up the dog poop and not make a fuss. I am told not to escalate the situation and to ignore him, he'll stop, soon enough. So he continues doing it, while I continue picking the dog poop and throwing it away. My yard is clean, so no big deal.

Except it's not, right? We know he shouldn't be throwing dog poop in my yard and that he is the one who should be told to stop, not me, right?

^ (This is where the dog poop analogy came from).

But this is what women experience, day after day after day. We are told to look the other way, adjust our behaviour, keep our head down, keep walking, while men get a free pass for their bad behaviour.

^This puppy is happy when you don't throw its poop where it's not supposed to be.

What I need you to do

So that's why I need you to be feminists in more than just words. Be advocates for gender equality. It's like eating healthy: you don't do it as a job and hang it in the closet when you clock out of work at 5pm. It's a lifestyle.

How?

- Please, listen. The very first thing you can do is to be open to listening to women who may wish to share their experience with you. Don't interrupt, don't presume, don't pass judgement. We're doing our best to share our lived experience, and it takes a lot of courage to do that. That's why we need to know you're there to listen. Just be there. Be an ally.

- Don't laugh, or ask us 'are you sure' or tell us 'it's not that bad' or 'ít's bad for men too' - that's where the slippery slope starts.

- Make space: in the workplace, don't hog up the whole conversation. Don't interrupt. Don't mansplain (force unsolicited explanations on women for something they might be experts in anyway) and give credit where it's due.

- Being male, you have a privilege even though our generation is reluctant to admit it. As I said, we are equal but we haven't achieved equality. So use that privilege to make space for women. Sometimes we're tired of fighting for it. What I mean by this? It means not monopolising conversations but letting women talk; it means understanding which opportunities are coming your way because you're a man and allowing women to access them too (one clear example is all-male panel discussions. Kudos to the men who refuse to be on such panels. Another one - did you hear that Benedict Cumberbatch refuses to sign up for movies that don't pay women equally? Oh the British gentleman!).

- Don't contribute to casual sexism. Sometimes we women are the butt of jokes (relating to a variety of things - gossip, shopping, money-spending, romance, bad driving, you name it!) and if we don't laugh it off, we're seen as being stuck up/ not fun/ too uptight. But the point is, those things ARE NOT funny and perpetuate harmful stereotypes. So please, don't add to the problem, recognise when something is funny, and when something is just plain harmful. This is a good example.

- Stop consuming stereotypes. They're as harmful for you as they are for women. If you see them, call them out, or vote with your purse - don't purchase things which exploit the image of women either as sexual objects or as the pin-up housewife whose only calling in life is to feed her husband the right kind of butter or whose reward is the latest household appliance.

- Call out sexism. If you see something shitty, call. it. out. See some dickhead catcalling women on the street? Call them out. Show that you're not going to stand for it. That you're not one of the 'boys'.

- If you're one of those douches indulging in catcalling, assault or discrimination, STOP.

^Gender equality is a dance, and when both are moving together it's beautiful to watch.